Endless thoughts, dreams/nightmares, days, and love. A sanctuary of my true colors.
To write down all my feelings he says. Its not always that easy my heart says. Your wasting your time my mind says. See that’s the thing, im being told differently in every direction that i’m lost. Who do i follow? Confused about starting a line leading towards my feelings. Following myself, was never option. Leading myself to anywhere will drive me up to the bottom. I feel so many things right now, its not even considered feeling anymore. It’s a burden. I’ve tried letting go, trashing the old, forgiving the bad, talking it out. Cannot be done. It surrounds me in a dark gray blanket, not smothering me, but protecting me in some weird way. I don’t fear it like years ago. I’ve grown accustomed by its presence. It’s not enjoyable but nice to know im not always alone, though i wish the presence was more physical than mentally or emotionally. Maybe deep inside my mind, I know its nonexistent. Maybe im making all this up to keep myself more delusional. It can’t be that though, they felt me, I felt them, I hear them, and they hear me. Years, I tried to tell myself its not real, I stopped believing in so many things. Eventually all came true. Sometimes it feels like what i’m writing down isn’t making sense whatsoever to anyone.
Write down everything he says, repeating over and over again like a tape player stuck on play. Maybe its true, after all these years, i’ve lead myself to believe all these things people tell me. Why? Perhaps cause it makes sense to me in a way. What they tell me: Your the one girl I felt true love, Only one who got me to feel, Only one who believed in me, Only one who I trust with my heart, Only one who got me out of my depression, Only one that made everything go away, Only one who got me to cry, Only one who can make me suffer, Only one who truly love me, Only one I want to be with, Only one to have my kids, Only one I want to marry, Only one who is worth waiting, Only one I want to marry, Only one I cannot forget. The sayings that left me thinking: You need to stop being depressed, you need to change who you are, your in denial, you need pshycological help, you need to talk to someone, your gullible, you believe whats not real, you need to trust me, you need to loosen up, you need to drink, you need to smoke, you need a life, you need to stop pushing me away, you need to run away with me, you need me to protect you, you need me to keep you safe, you need to marry me and be with me, you need to taken far away to be happy, you need to be in my arms, I wished i’ve fallen in love with you again, be with you again and not her, I wished she was you, I wished she showed me true love like you, they need to be up your standards to be with me, I wish you’d given me a second chance, wish you could leave him, i’ll protect you whether im with you or not, call me and i’ll be there to make you happy, I still see you in my dreams, do you still love me, do you still have feelings for me, do you want to be us again, do you think we have another chance in the future, can we get married if your not taken, if we die, can you look for me, can i look for you in heaven if we end up there.
These words flow around my head, I wished none were said to me. All I wanted was one special person to tell me the sweetest things along with the most hurtful ones. Having said by mutilple people several times saddens me. I’ve made so many happy, alive again, gave them hope and a chance. I felt like I wasn’t given a shot at happiness. Only able to enjoy a few things, but not the ones I wanted to enjoy. I noticed I was pushed to certain people whose happiness was pulled away from. Becoming their small light and lending hand out the dark hole. Maybe this is why people care so much about me. I searched since I was little, the man who was to be named as my own. The search was foolish, man and his men killed my dreams by abusing me and raping me. I dont recall many faces, mainly voices. Just thinking about it, how many times I been used as a chew toy for men and how many times i’ve broken my heart over things i was never able to say or face. Because of my ignorance, i broken others. To one guy, he said I was a heart breaker, not because I did break a lot of hearts, but because of how hard people fallen for me. Which I still dont get, and never will see the reason why people fall for a corrupted person like me. And yes, I am corrupted, I know it.
What I feel? I noted above its like a burden yet its still a feeling. I feel my life is a classical song, it has its happy, sad, angry, rushed, and its heart felt moments. I feel jealousy, everyone has someone or friends to lean one, Places to go and where there wanted. I feel im not myself. I forgot how to be myself and then I remember no one likes me when I am myself. I feel like dying, this isn’t my world, it isn’t where I belong. I prayed to be home with my father, my god. Yet people try leave me in doubt that there is no god. Whether there is or isn’t, my home is not here, and im still searching for my permanent home. I feel like crying because I held my biggest sadness for years. I cry because I wished i could of have my virginity for one special person but yanked over and over again. I cry because my heart mourns the death of my father still and now of my sister. My father was a great and bad person, still the first person who loved me so much, more than anything. You could feel the love there. But he is gone and I lost a part of myself with him. A part I could never regain back. So I looked away from all that and forgot I even had a heart for some years. My sister, was my second mom, she had me under her wing, showing me ways of life we enjoyed. We did have our bickering, but forgave each other at the end and together she and I was. I made a promise to her and myself, to watch over her daughter. But sometimes looking at Emma, feels like my sister is watching me. You see it in her eyes. So much like her mom, feels like i’m raising my own sister and not Emma. After my sister passed away, after everyone left to work and school, I was numb all day at home. I couldn’t feel anything and say anything. After some months passed, at nights, I remembered when I prayed to god that if today was the day my sister would leave, to send his angels down and help her out of her pain, the following hours she did. By only remember those last hours, I felt a huge amount of pain striking my heart. I finally realized she was actually gone. I was home alone with my niece. i was now raising her without my sister’s side. I cried, yelled, suffocated myself, threw myself to the floor, scratched my skin, injured myself. Too much to take in, i did drive myself sick. When my mom and brother were around, I pretend all was fine. Once they left, the same scene began all over again for some time. I stopped doing that long ago, but the pain is still there building up more and more. I couldn’t draw like I use to, couldn’t enjoy learning the guitar anymore. I lost what pushes me forward to do things I love. Several times you might see with a sad look, sometimes it takes long to put a smile on my face. I can no longer fake it unless its real.
Tired of containing all this anger towards everyone, all this pain people caused me over the years, the sadness of the pieces left in my heart. Tired of trying so hard to make myself happy when im forgetting what is it that makes me happy again. Soon, my heart will numb out all over again for the next few years, I fear. I’ve only been seeking one thing in life for so long, and that is love. Maybe when I was little, people didnt understand what I was looking for or knew I wanted love. Out of evertyhting, I just want love. Maybe I am seeking attention, but from one person only. instead I get attention from several, it drives me away from love. After I realize a person is getting too close to me, physically, mentally, emotionally, I pull away. I guard myself from everything. Sometimes I pull away cause I know im being played, I feel like im being used, feels like the person cannot get any closer to me than already is. To get fully close to me would be willing to know my full happiness, most saddest moments, suicidal thoughts, enjoyable times, uncontroable scenes, and loving heart. I dont think anyone is really willing to deal with so much I carry. Long ago, i once promised myself, to have WDA tattooed on me when I find the person who completes all three. They are Wanted, Desired, and Accepted. A person who can give me all three is reaching my goal i’ve been seeking for years. But I forgot one, Loved, that is my ultimate goal. To find my true lov, true soul mate, heart and mind, one person that wants me, desires me, accepts me, and loves me. Its not much to ask. Finally until then, i will be happy. i’ll regain my inspiration, muse, myself, my heart, my soul, the life force to my body. I will become one again. Right now, i’m scattered around, looking for myself in several places to gather all pieces to the map to find you.
Sitting near a glass surface, I glance upon the arrival of car models of the year. Listening closely from a small obscure gap, there laughter and amusement smothers my breath. My tighten throat creeps, pulling it farther down my cardiac clock. Slowly feeding my eyes with elliptical crystals. Tis another day where oneself is left in solitary but not entirely. Yours truly was abandoned alone with a child of infancy of three. The roof over my apex could be stocked with eight souls slumbering if sharing was an option. however, it is only a trio and a tyke who dwells in these walls. Yet today like any other, the writer and child left alone. The gate around the castle will not let us pass further down the alley. Molded stones of marble and ivory suppresses our desires and diminishes the chimera. Our only alternative would be dally around the gardens, which is never suffice nor enough
Can you wake me up. I fallen into in dark shadowed dreams and gotten lost. These black angels I see, are chasing me after my soul. Can you bring me some light to light up my path. Hurry. Slowly, I’m seeing a gray mirror appear, whom reflects my present and future. I’m being chosen to return to my ugly wicked ways. Come, before I turn into somebody I’m not. Time is running out for me. Please Cast these shadows away from my life source. I’m feeling severely damaged and heartless. Feeling no emotion. Don’t these blackened souls drown me to there poisoned pool. Their desire to poison my mind with hatred towards all. Please wake me up from this frozen place I lay in. Cried iced cold tears are wanting to be wiped from warm hands. Blood rushing …. unf…
it feels so weird not having an inspiration. all the feels and emotions i had for drawing and writing suddenly left me. left me behind with the rest of the unknown crowd. been pushed further back. With all my strength, i push forward, finding the exact door to open my heart. Leading me to my muse, my reason for loving art, my reason to view the world in its natural beautiful ways rather than its catastrophe. my reason to let me emotions as words flow out driftly like a song. Its weird that no matter what i try, my inspiration cannot be found yet. high above my sunny skies to down below the dirty caves. i cannot hear its holler nor its whispers.
I wish i knew your name, so i would whom or what im looking for. but you decide to stay in hush and make this game harder on me. i dont know what im searching for. i dont know what it would look like.
The feeling of invisibility, its what most people experience at some point in this world. I am one of those people. I try no to mind it, but I can’t help it sometimes. I don’t blame my mother nor father for making me anti-social. I don’t blame no one for there reactions towards me. I don’t blame no one for my behavior or attitude. I have a one of a kind mind, if you don’t mind. I don’t judge people but they seem to like judging me. Never asked to be judged, neither did no one else. So why do it to me? I don’t dress weird, look awkward. I am not white, black, or brown. Just a child of god, a simple creature like everything else in earth he created. I guess it’s for people’s own entertainment. I don’t believe I do bad things, but the world is covered with temptations, easy for anyone to do bad. You say i’m evil, but it’s you who does damages and spreads it towards me.
Look closely in everyone’s mind, you’ll see we’re made out of great minds connected all together. But you stare at me like Im stupid or something. If I were you, I’d stop claiming of being smart, cause a smart person knows there is no exact definition of what smart is. People only look for an excuse, a reason, to make themselves feel special and recognized. You have your own mind, and I have mine. You mess with me, because I never messed with you. You might try to kill me, push me away, but no matter what you try, Im always going to be here. Get rid of me, and soon you’ll get rid of yourself. Sometimes being invisible is better off than being known. We are stronger than weak we are presumed to be.
Tired of seeing too many images on my mind. They appear and disappear several times. I’m exhausted of hearing tormenting voices, specially when its a baby crying its lungs out like it’s on a verge of being killed. Cannot stand dreaming of my dad tortured and played on like a puppet in front of my eyes. Tired of seeing him die too many times in so many different forms. I wish I could stop seeing that horrifying witch putting mystical spells on him, and passing by with a screeching laugh. Tired of loosing people on earth and noticing that they find there way back into my dreams. I hate seeing those who left me and return to make shit worse. It hurts me to see myself in dreams, constantly killing canines and felines over and over again. I dread to dream about myself the most. I put people through pain; my own friends and family. I hate seeings them tortured sexually mainly… by my own two hands. I’m tired of feeling followed daily. I can feel their coldness at nights; a cold frozen touch in my body. See how they mess with my things. Feel when there pulling things from my mind. Feeling them all.. all the time. I’m tired of it all.
Like a blade punctured through my skin; you’ve entered my life with grief. Sharp throbbing pain strike to the heart. Gasped for air, a chance, an opportunity, a sign of hope that one will be able to live through this. My thoughts paralyzed me, crippled my brain within seconds. Unable to comprehend what has been done. Each single drop of blood was a tear shed; Reflections of lonely times, sad nights, and cold hearts. Point end of a blade pierced through the nerve senses, leaving its body signals unsure of themselves. Snipped through its muscle and bone; one’s last option for defense and strength. The last barrier from harm’s way. Yet the fissure was too noxious. Leaving one weak to its death. Begging not to withdraw the blade. Scared of its aftermath and impact. Slowly the blade begins to be removed from its chest; the body’s pulse withers until there is no more beating. One does not want to die from another heart breaking. One does not want to go back to mending its heart together as once, once more. One does not want to start from the beginning all over again
Often at nights, I look out the window. Catching a glimpse of earth’s finest nature. I hear it summoning me each night, inviting me to play. Tapping at my window, the wind swiftly opens it, providing me an escape from my reality. It recites me my fantasy in a child’s bedtime story; a story that never lets me slumber yet leaves me rouse at nights with curiosity to join in party. So tempting to crawl out of reality and glide into a fantasy. The greenery’s exotic aroma touches my aura side of the body. Cultivating and masking my energy into a repose state of mind. Discharges of my frustration and calamity into drops of rain, supplying its nutrients to eve’s garden. While flowers are being nourished, gently they bloom with a sweet sensation. Releasing all its quiescent petals and scents to the harmonious heavens, infused with the celestial stars and mystical skies. Producing its best trance in human minds, eyes of youth, and infancy’s hunger for joy. Overflowing empty hearts with love, beauty, and purity.
Life is like a maze, that got me in a daze. So I hide away, in a marijuana hays. Change my evil ways, staying up always. Forget what that hurts my heart, removing this frozen dart. Should I spark another joint, or figure out the point. Better off escaping from reality, and live life a fantasy.
Dear Best Friend,
It’s been days since we talked like regular people, but years we talked like best friends. No longer do we hold our dollies playing house and pretend to be great housewives. No more meetings every single day forecasting our future together. The letters over the mail box expressing our friendship bond ended slowly. Our hidden secrets no one knew, were out in the open air. School surely did drift us apart. I was never up to your level, so away they sent you to special classes, leaving me behind. I looked forward everyday to playing with you, but your new friends had most of your attention. Weeks and months passed by, you became more social, and I more as a loner. As several years went by, I guess we tried to keep in contact, being labeled “just in case”. But there never was a case. You nor I never came across any words to another. I heard you gained a new best friend whom became a sister to you. It filled me with envy, I admit. Most times, it felt like I was traded for someone better. However, I am glad I was able to call someone else my best friend, a sister, over the years. We have a major understanding and such trust, it is pretty awesome. Nowadays, I’m only receiving call from you for my services. Which I’m fine with, but I do have some hope deep inside me where we will become great friends. Yet too far from that point. We might stand in the same room and act total strangers. Guessing it is how we truly feel. Hopefully one day, we are given a chance to rekindle our friendship and let it lit for a good long run. For now, the title to ‘Best Friend’ has changed to ‘Childhood Best Friend’, and will be given an opportunity to start from the beginning. Until then friend.
Sincerely Your Childhood Best Friend.